In this article, I am happy to share my very profound and personal journey of understanding of what Self-Love is. It’s also about how I came to discovering what self-love means, and how I practice it.
Confusion: What is Self-Love?
When I used to hear Oprah talking about Self-Love, I had no idea what she meant. The concept of Self-Love felt elusive and unattainable.
I would hear her say, “You truly can’t love another until you love yourself,” and I was truly confused by what she meant.
I thought that I did love others, so maybe I could skip the self-love part and put all my energy into loving others and that would be ok. (It is true that I was loving others who didn’t love me back btw, and that dysfunctional kind of love is what I used as confirmation that I was indeed unlovable).
I spent so much of my life hating myself, spending countless hours with that negative voice inside me telling me I wasn’t smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, funny enough, rich enough, or interesting enough. Looking back, I see so much self-doubt, criticism, and judgment on every inch of my being.
It was debilitating.
When I got to my lowest of lows, I had dysmorphia – a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance.
When I would leave the house, I believed people were laughing at me because I was so monstrously ugly, disgusting and fat. That led to more isolation, which handed the negative voice a megaphone.
Later in life, my therapist helped me understand that dysmorphia isn’t as uncommon as you would think and is a common result of anxiety.
Therapy was the First Step to Self-Love
Putting all my energy loving and taking care of others worked as a pacifier for a long time, until I met someone who showed up and loved me. It was so uncomfortable, I sometimes hated it. I wondered what was wrong with the guy and was suspicious of what he really wanted from me.
It was so uncomfortable for me that it led me to making a commitment to therapy.
First thing I needed to do was heal from the past, accept myself, forgive myself, and start building myself up again.
I am a rape survivor and this deep wound stayed with me every single day; always present as a reminder of how unlovable, dirty, stupid and reckless I was. I believed that I deserved what I got.
I never thought I would get past this feeling of unworthines. But, talking about the wound during the course of my therapy sessions finally got me to the place of acceptance around this trauma. I began to understand that I didn’t deserve it; that I was and am lovable. That it was NOT MY FAULT.
Yes, the deep wound was a PART of my story, BUT not all of it.
From Therapy to Coach Training: Continuing the Healing
Slowly, I got more comfortable in my own skin. The voices got quieter, and I felt ready to start something new.
My therapist suggested I enroll in MMS Coach Training with Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott. She shared that of all the training she had ever done, this one made the most impact on her life. I trusted her more than myself at the time, so off I went.
I found myself in a room of strangers with an open and curious heart, ready to dive in and see what would happen. It was so much more than I ever would have expected.
I got to know myself better; started to feeling my feelings and then began understanding what truly I wanted in life. From there, I started making choices for myself!
As part of the training, The MMS Institute offered the Inner Negotiation Workshop, which is where I faced my pain head on.
I continued healing my past with the help of the other participants who played different people or parts of myself so I could yell, scream, hit things and practice hard conversations. I this workshop setting, I learned how I could set better boundaries with my mother and family.
I also read Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott’s book, 10 Rules for Being Human and Rule #1: “Love your body, It’s the Only One You’ve Got.” This rule and the entire book left a deep impression on me. This was the beginning of loving my body.
Coach Training Led to Discovering My Purpose
As I myself became a coach, I began to uncover my purpose.
I started to listen and trust myself more than I had ever before.
I allowed love and support into my life, which in turn gave me confidence. Of course, this didn’t happen all at once; the metamorphosis took several years, and it wasn’t always a bed of roses.
I had a lot of anger boiling up inside me, which the people I loved most took the brunt of. There was way too much drinking, and hiccups where I reverted back to unhealthy behaviors…
But, clarity and self-love did make its way into my heart and mind.
And, Oprah was right.
Now I can take on almost any circumstance in life and I don’t make it about me or beat myself up.
Healing into Self-Love
I now know what self-love is.
Self-Love is a mindset, a true gift you give yourself, a freedom to be you, all parts of you, all the imperfections…they are, in fact, uniquely your beauty.
Coach Lindsey Taylor-Vivier
My life is precious to me now.
I know there is not another human like me.
Everything in my life that I experienced, even the hard stuff is what makes me the one and only ME.
I celebrate the life that I have, the person that I am.
Nobody can take it away and nobody can appreciate and honor myself as much as I can.
I found my power.
I found my passion.
Benefits of Self-Love: An Open and Curious Mindset
My mindset is open and curious, and I take the time to identify my feelings.
If I make a mistake in public, instead of feeling stupid and unworthy I look at the situation, examine my feelings, and try to understand the lesson.
For example, recently I coached in public, and it didn’t go well. In fact, let’s say it was a real bomb…
I spent time reflecting on the experience and looking at the big picture of what had happened.
Here are some of the insights I uncovered during my reflections:
- Will this 30-minute coaching session ruin me, the client, or the students? The answer was a resounding No.
- I discovered I want to coach more. And, I needed to coach more than a few times a year in public.
- And, perhaps, it was time to get a supervisor to watch my coaching sessions.
- Amazingly, I did many things right in the session.
In conclusion, I realized that I am ok. I even noticed where I can grow as a coach. Now, I consider this experience to be a gift.
And, very importantly, I never once turned on myself!
Today, I am a Coach, Coach Trainer, and Managing Director for The MMS Institute of Northern California. I’m honored that I get to support people in finding their own way to healing and self-love!
Lindsey Taylor-Vivier is an ICF-credentialed Life Coach, Executive Director of MMS Northern California, a Coach Trainer, and Co-Founder of the MMS NorCal Coaching Collective. Lindsey coaches individuals, couples, and groups in transition or when they are feeling stuck or unsure of direction. She also coaches entrepreneurs at the Bay Area non-profit leadership organization, How Women Lead.
